Santa applied to a Medical School. These were his answers in the Medical Terms Test:
Antibody - against everyone
Artery - the study of fine paintings
Bacteria - back door to a cafeteria
Benign - what you be after you be eight
Bowel - letters like a, e, i, o, u
Caesarian Section - a district in Rome
Cardiology - advanced study of Poker playing
Cat Scan - searching for lost kitty
Chronic - neck of a crow
Coma - punctuation mark
Cortisone - area around local court
Cyst - short for sister
Diagnosis - person with slanted nose
Dilate - the late British Princess Diana
Dislocation - this is the place
Duodenum - couple in blue jeans
Enema - not a friend
False Labor - pretending to work
Genes - blue denim
Groin - to mash to a pulp/smile
Hernia - she is close by
Hymen - greetings to several males
Impotent - distinguished/ well-known
Labour Pain - hurt at work
Lactose - people without feet
Lymph - walk unsteadily
Microbes - small dressing gowns
Obesity - City of Obe
Pacemaker - winner of Nobel Peace Prize
Protein - in favor of teens
Pulse - grain
Pus - small cat
Red Blood Count - Dracula
Rupture - Ecstasy
Secretion - hiding anything
Subcutaneous - not cute enough
Suture - Gujarati for 'what is it?'
Tablet - small table
Tumor - extra pair
Ultrasound - radical noise
Urine - opposite of you're out
Varicose - very close
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Why everyone wants to work fo the Government
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer,
The second man was an Accountant,
The third man was a Chemist, and
The fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, 'T-square, do your stuff.'
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,
'Spreadsheet, do your stuff..'
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.
Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, 'Measure, do your stuff.'
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces into the glass without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can your cat do?'
The Government Employee called his cat and said, 'CoffeeBreak, do your stuff.'
CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet.......
Ate the cookies..... ...
Drank the milk.......
S**t on the paper.......
Screwed the other three cats.......
Claimed he injured his back while doing so..
Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.. .....
Put in for Workers Compensation. .......
and Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave....... .....
AND THAT IS WHY, MY FRIEND EVERYONE
WANT'S TO WORK IN THE GOVERNMENT
The first man was an Engineer,
The second man was an Accountant,
The third man was a Chemist, and
The fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, 'T-square, do your stuff.'
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,
'Spreadsheet, do your stuff..'
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.
Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, 'Measure, do your stuff.'
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces into the glass without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can your cat do?'
The Government Employee called his cat and said, 'CoffeeBreak, do your stuff.'
CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet.......
Ate the cookies..... ...
Drank the milk.......
S**t on the paper.......
Screwed the other three cats.......
Claimed he injured his back while doing so..
Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.. .....
Put in for Workers Compensation. .......
and Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave....... .....
AND THAT IS WHY, MY FRIEND EVERYONE
WANT'S TO WORK IN THE GOVERNMENT
Three Kick Rule
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Cowra . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell int o a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Australia and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Cowra . We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
(I love this part)
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
When you are educated, you'll believe only half of what you hear.
When you're intelligent, you know which half.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Australia and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Cowra . We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
(I love this part)
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
When you are educated, you'll believe only half of what you hear.
When you're intelligent, you know which half.
Husband Store!
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
· You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
· There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights...
· The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
· Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
· Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
· Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.'Wow, ' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
· Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
· Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
· Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
(scroll and keep reading!)
PLEASE NOTE:To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited
· You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
· There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights...
· The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
· Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
· Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
· Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.'Wow, ' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
· Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
· Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
· Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
(scroll and keep reading!)
PLEASE NOTE:To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited
BRILLIANT WAYS GIRLS TURN GUYS DOWN!!
HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like
yours!!
HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must have been given your share!!!
HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!
HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!
HE: Can I have your name?
HE: Why, don't you already have one?
HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!!!
HE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck!!!
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.
HE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
SHE: Yes, thats why I don't go there anymore.
HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.
HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like
yours!!
HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must have been given your share!!!
HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!
HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!
HE: Can I have your name?
HE: Why, don't you already have one?
HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!!!
HE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck!!!
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.
HE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
SHE: Yes, thats why I don't go there anymore.
HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.
HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.
Smart Answers
Teacher: are you chew in gum?
Student: no,i m john smith
Husband: we are having mother 4 dinner 2nite.
Wyf: make sure she is well cooked:p
Father: shameful results! do u always get such low marks?
Son: no,only when i take exams;)
Guest: will these stairs take me 2 d 2nd floor?
Boy: no, you'll have 2 walk as well:)
Girl: i have changed my mind.
Student: no,i m john smith
Husband: we are having mother 4 dinner 2nite.
Wyf: make sure she is well cooked:p
Father: shameful results! do u always get such low marks?
Son: no,only when i take exams;)
Guest: will these stairs take me 2 d 2nd floor?
Boy: no, you'll have 2 walk as well:)
Girl: i have changed my mind.
Boy: thank God! does new 1 works better?
Defense Attorney
This policeman was being cross-examined by a defence attorney during a felony trial.
The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility. ..
Q: 'Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description
of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description? '
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender.
Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room
where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'
Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your
life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and
sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'
The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility. ..
Q: 'Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description
of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description? '
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender.
Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room
where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'
Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your
life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and
sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'
The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
Keeping Hopes Alive
Donkey A: My Owner Beats me a Lot, practically every day.
Donkey B: Why Don't you run away?
Donkey A: I wanted to... But, my future seems to be really bright here!
Donkey B: How come?
Donkey A: Whenever my owner's young & beautiful daughter comits any mischief, my owner warn's her by saying, "If you do that again, I'll marry you with this donkey....!" That's why I'm still here...
Keeping hopes may not improve your future, but it will certainly reduce the pain of today!!! Be optimistic; be positive!
Whatever" "Anything" OR "You Decide
Their "Whatever" "Anything" OR "You Decide"
1 . (Whatever)
Men: What should we have for dinner?
Women: Whatever..
Men: Why don't we have Mexican?
Women: No not Mexican, the last time i got pimples on my face
Men: Alright, why don't we have Szechwan cuisine
Women: Yesterday we ate Szechwan, today too?
Men: Hmm..... I suggest we have seafood
Women: Seafood is not good, I got diarrhea
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women : Whatever..
2. (Anything)
Men: So what should we do now?
Women: Anything
Men: How about watching a movie? It's been a long time
Women: Watching movie is no good, it's a waste of time
Men: How about we go for bowling, or some exercises?
Women: Exercise on such a hot day?
Men: Then find a cafe and have a drink
Women: I am off caffeine
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women: Anything
3. (You decide)
Men: Then do we just go home?
Women: You decide
Men: Let's take the bus, I will accompany you
Women: The bus is dirty and crowded.
Men: OK; we will take a cab
Women: Not worth it... for such a short distance
Men: All right, then we can walk. We can enjoy the weather
Women: I am hungry, can't walk.
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women: You decide
Men: Let's have dinner first?
Women: Whatever...
Men: What shall we eat?
Women: Anything..
1 . (Whatever)
Men: What should we have for dinner?
Women: Whatever..
Men: Why don't we have Mexican?
Women: No not Mexican, the last time i got pimples on my face
Men: Alright, why don't we have Szechwan cuisine
Women: Yesterday we ate Szechwan, today too?
Men: Hmm..... I suggest we have seafood
Women: Seafood is not good, I got diarrhea
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women : Whatever..
2. (Anything)
Men: So what should we do now?
Women: Anything
Men: How about watching a movie? It's been a long time
Women: Watching movie is no good, it's a waste of time
Men: How about we go for bowling, or some exercises?
Women: Exercise on such a hot day?
Men: Then find a cafe and have a drink
Women: I am off caffeine
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women: Anything
3. (You decide)
Men: Then do we just go home?
Women: You decide
Men: Let's take the bus, I will accompany you
Women: The bus is dirty and crowded.
Men: OK; we will take a cab
Women: Not worth it... for such a short distance
Men: All right, then we can walk. We can enjoy the weather
Women: I am hungry, can't walk.
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women: You decide
Men: Let's have dinner first?
Women: Whatever...
Men: What shall we eat?
Women: Anything..
The top 4 poses ....INDIANS
Pose No. 1
Please don’t laugh…
Pose No. 2
Ok... just wait…check this one
Pose No. 3
And the winner is
Howzzzz that……Enjoy
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